This will be my first "rambling" page and it will most likely go through many changes as I go along.  I have a lot of things I want to include in my "personal" section of my site, but there's so much I don't know where to start.  So, in this first draft I'll touch on a few things and eventually link to more in depth pages.  I won't apologize for any off colored language or content that may make folks uncomfortable because this is all part of my story.  I'm a survivor of multiple forms of abuse and I hope that my story (even in my disorganized rambling stages) may help those who can see themselves on similar paths and enlighten others as to the signs of trauma.  Thanks again for your patience as I find the path(s) my thoughts will take.

This will be Part 1, take 1...

Life, Love and Lessons Learned

I always wanted to matter.

I know that sounds rather simplistic, but all I've ever wanted to was to be loved "no matter what" and actually have "no matter what" be more than just words.  I wanted to mean something to someone... to matter in the grand scheme of things... and not be hurt.

In my family alcohol was more important and "no matter what" was conditional.

I was an "early bloomer" (age 11) and as I developed things started to change.  Even in 6th grade kids started teasing about boobs.  It didn't get any easier as I got older.  While I now understand some of the trauma history of others in my family, I didn't understand why my Mother withdrew attention as I developed.  I began to seek attention and acceptance outside of my family - I just wanted to be loved and needed - things that seem simple enough, but can also lead to being the "perfect victim". 

I was told by my father on a daily basis that I was useless, stupid, crazy, would never amount to anything and so on.  The verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was the one constant in life.  When I was in High School I was labeled a slut by another family member and told "that's all you'll ever be good for" and "no decent man will want you".  I never really had a chance at self confidence or self esteem... and never had any place "safe". 

All I ever wanted was to be SAFE and loved unconditionally.

I went through dozens of relationships in search for unconditional love.  I was the perfect target.  The perfect victim. I wanted to be loved and, not knowing what healthy love was, I was frequently used and abused by someone who said they loved me, or in the hopes they would. 

I kept looking.  Kept hoping.  Kept dreaming... and never gave up. 

I joined the Coast Guard in 1981.  At the time women had only been allowed to serve on Active Duty for a few years and the environment was very much you were either "one of the guys" or you were an outcast.  I had already had one rape and several assaults by the time I enlisted, and entering an environment where "no one will believe you" and rampant sexism you either went two directions:  "Suck it up and deal with it" (burying everything) or get out.

If you're already conditioned to believe you have no value and that it will be your word against the word of many, it's very easy to just... dissociate... and just try to get through to the next day.

My tools for coping included my sense of humor - learning to make the jokes first so I wasn't so much the target.  If you protest, it just gets worse, so you learn not to react or you participate as a means to fit in or make it look like it doesn't bother you.  To protest caused you to be ostracized or escalate the torment... so you deal with it. 

So, from boot camp until the first part of my final tour before retirement I endured near constant bullying, sexism, sexual harassment, sexual assault, sexual abuse and even rape.  I wanted to be part of the Coast Guard.  I wanted to belong to something I truly believed in... so I coped as best I could.  I love the Coast Guard and I was never violated by it - because "it" is an ideal... it's the rescues, the missions, the lives and property saved... the violating was done by some of the people in it... and others who looked the other way or failed to enforce regulations to protect members from abuse... those are the ones who let me and others like me down. It happened when I joined 25 years ago and it's still happening.

I digress... 

I remained the perfect victim, but I never gave up hope that some day I would find the one I knew was out there.

I did.

It wasn't the right time, but at the same time it was.  I found my "Twin Flame" - the other half of a whole soul.  If this sounds sappy and stupid you may as well stop here unless your morbid curiosity compels you to read further.  I believe, and always have, that there is "the one" that will complete you.  I didn't know what it was called, but I learned by meeting mine what being a Twin Flame is. 

It wasn't the right time... and it couldn't be until I broke the patterns of abuse in my life.

I started to fall apart.  I wasn't able to cope with the bullying, sexism and harassment anymore.  My professional life was collapsing and nothing I could do seemed to fix it.  The worse things got at work, the more unbalanced I became in my relationship.  Everything came crashing down at the same time... I started treatment for depression and anxiety... My Love left (and left me over the phone)... and shortly thereafter I was raped.

I wanted to die.

I've been hurt in the past... but I'd never been broken. 

It took my Twin Flame to break me.

I needed to be broken.  I needed to be completely destroyed in order to grow, and only my Twin Flame could have done it.  If he hadn't broken me I most likely would never had experienced the catalysts that caused the most dramatic positive changes in my life. I never would have seen my own patterns of behavior that stemmed from conditioned responses to abuse.  Trauma survivors are used to being hurt.  That's the nature of abuse.  It's so familiar that it becomes expected.  If a survivor is fortunate enough to find themselves in a healthy, loving relationship they still expect everything to go wrong - to be hurt and abandoned - and without realizing it they begin to say or do things that may eventually direct the relationship toward disaster.  Heartache, pain and loneliness are familiar.  Somehow the familiar gives a survivor validation.  No one wants to be hurt, but, like a survivor of physical abuse that may "trigger" (not cause) their abuser into an assault to "get the pain over with", so will the survivor of emotional, psychological or sexual abuse trigger their partner into "familiar" patterns to "get the pain over with"

I did that.  I had the most wonderful love in the universe and I sabotaged it.  I didn't mean to.  I didn't know I was.  I failed to appreciate him and there are so many things for which I am deeply sorry.  He deserved better.

Instead of appreciating how wonderfully he treated me every day I became selfish about Valentine's Day.  Dreadfully, inexcusably selfish.  Valentine's Day is just another day on the calendar... Just one stupid day... but it's also an intensely painful anniversary for him. When I should have been supportive and there for him I was selfishly worrying about getting a stupid card.  I can't believe I was so incredibly inconsiderate and insensitive.  I now know why I was so needy and that I wasn't intentionally being selfish, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I was and I cannot begin to express how sorry I am.

I failed to support him in many ways.  I should have contributed more financially and been less demanding of his time and attention.  Again, these are things I learned in my growth over the last three years and it took being devastated to learn, but I am so sorry for being unintentionally "overly" needy, even if I had no control over it. 

My regret is genuine, not because he left and not in the hopes to change anything, because everything happens for a reason.  Not all of life's lessons are easy and many of the most important lessons are the most painful.  Being incomplete is the worst pain imaginable, but I needed to be here.

Just as if I hadn't been raped again I never would have gone to The Clatsop County Women's Resource Center, where, through validation, counseling and support, I began to recall and process the repressed memories of previous rapes, assaults and abuses throughout my career and childhood. I wouldn't change a thing in my past, regardless of the pain, because all of has shaped who I am. 

I'm pretty fricken' amazing and an awesome Mom. :-)  

I had to go through these life lessons on my own.  I wasn't alone, because I've had the support of dozens of people - many of them survivors like me - but all of this has been on my shoulders and I can take credit for the positive changes I've made.  I take responsibility for my life, but I don't blame myself for my responses to traumas.  I regret any "wrongs" I may have done or hurts I may have caused - being a trauma survivor is not an excuse, it's a reason.  I continue to have an incredible support network which includes my awesome counselor, Vince Morrison, the Women's Resource Center, my friends (and former shipmates), Military Sexual Trauma (MST) counseling at the Portland Vet Center and through all of my Vet Sisters on VetWOW. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD stemming from MST and other abuses as well as Fibromyalgia.  I was actually relieved with the diagnosis because my being "fucked up" actually had reasons outside of something "being wrong" with me.  There will be demons of my PTSD that I will always deal with - I can no longer stand to be touched and am uncomfortable around men - I lose chunks of time without being aware of it.  Again - too much to go into here.  PTSD and Fibro will take up copious space elsewhere on my site... eventually.  Another thing I learned that helped immensely was about the "Freeze" response.  It's not just "Fight or Flight".  I learned I'm a "freezer". More on that will be in a section about Sexual Assault. 

Through the Medical Board system I was found Medically Unfit to remain in the Coast Guard due to PTSD and Fibro, but was allowed to continue an additional 6 months to reach my Active Duty 20.  I am totally cool with the direction my life is going, but am not enjoying the VA process. I still have my demons bite me in the ass sometimes... the tears still come... and the nightmares... but I know that I deserve better.

I believe in myself now.  I know I never deserved to be judged or have an unkind word said about me and I forgive those who have participated in that kind of behavior or allowed others to do so.  I pray for those who think those things.   I never deserved to be abused, used or hurt.  I forgive those who did those things. 

I forgive myself.

I've learned to trust myself.  If no one else, at least myself.  I need to be patient with myself and appreciate my natural gifts of empathy, my sense of humor, compassion, creativity and kindness among others.  I need to trust my heart and soul, even if I fear I stand alone.  I know I'm never alone.  I feel it.  I know.

So as far as love goes... I love unconditionally.

I forgive unquestioningly.

Whether I'm loved or not is irrelevant.  That's what "unconditional love" is all about - No conditions.  No strings.  No limits.  No expectations.

Pure love.  Pure trust. Pure forgiveness - regardless.

So what makes love Love or an obsession?

I guess that depends upon if you believe in true love, the magic of life, happily-ever-after, Twin Flames and Karma.

I do.

I also, finally, believe I deserve to be loved.

So, even if I have to wait another lifetime or more I will always have the stars to keep me company. I can always find Lyra. Somewhere there will always be fireflies. Memories are real - "dragons" can be beaten.  "Hi!" will always be so much more than a salutation.

Before I can be safe with anyone else, I need to be safe with myself. To believe in myself, no matter what. Simply to Believe. 

This is my test.

That and getting into the perfect red dress!